birthday

hmmm...
5-11-09
my birthday,
again.
so today was ok...reflecting, I feel I have done so much growing. when I was younger, (about 5yrs) I had a talk with my beautiful father about growing up. I remember looking down at my pink barbie doll skates, rolling back and forth as he was talking, thinking to myself, "yea, but...". haha. I remember thinking to myself that what he was saying, "that I would grow up and my likes/dislikes would change and I would become a different person" was true to an extent, I would grow taller, but I would always be the same me, in my mind. And in a way, I was right, but now that i'm older I see what he meant. I am the same me, in my mind, that i've always been, and I never thought i'd change, but I have in a way. I'm me amplified! haha. I think it's funny too, how i've always been relatively the same person, but people treat me differently, simply because i'm older. I remember, when I was younger, I would want to talk with the "grown-ups". They were the only ones that ever talked about anything worthwhile. I didn't want to be with people my age, all they wanted to talk about was cool new toys, blah blah and infantile subjects. I never fit in. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. I have broadened my interests in the world since then and learned more about the person i truly am. Actually, what i've learned is, i'm "weird" and I still don't "fit-it". haha. it's great though. At least now i'm in a more understanding time in my life where I can be comfortable with "just me". Life and all it's wonders never cease to amaze.

build me up

*i did not write this one*


"Build me up...
I tire of the back-biting,
sniping,
tear-everyone-down-who-does-not-agree-with-me-attitude.
what happened to respect?
listen to what I am saying...
don't just wait for me to stop talking so you can continue...
be aware that yours is not the only point of view...
there is more than one side...
each is valid...
listen...
build me up...
don't tear me down..."

-azsky13

"we're meant to die, that's what makes anything about us matter" -Aeon Flux
*****-damn good movie.

...just think about it.

~the essence of being human~

"The essence of being human is that one doesn't seek perfection, that one is sometimes willing to commit sin for the sake of loyalty, that one does not push asceticism to the point where it makes friendly intercourse impossible, and that one is prepared in the end to be defeated and broken up by life, which is the inevitable price of fastening one's love upon other human individual."



-George Orwell

"too dark"?

i'm often told, upon beholding my artwork, that it's "too dark". i think it's because I am "too dark". I never take things that claim to be pure for what they appear to be, i always feel as if something is lurking there, in the shadows. still, i find an odd comfort in darkness. the quote, "...there is no sun without shadow, and it is essential to know the night." from the myth, Sisyphus, explains it best. you see, light can not exist without darkness, think about it, how would you detirmine how light something was if you never knew darkness? Basically, i believe there must be a balance. I find comfort in darkness, because without it, there is nothingness; that's what really scares me. i feel a deep connection with all that is dark, because it's different, it "pushes the envelope". some people say black is not a color, and it is only an absence of light. but for the people that dwell in it and find trueness in black it means so much. how can you tell someone they live their lives in an "absence"? and what good is a lifetime of days that are all the same?

allowed to love

am i wrong or is my love mine?
let me elaborate. I mean to say, do i not have a right to love whoever i want to?
i thought i did, apparently, it's not so.
i don't know what makes people think they can tell me who to love and who not to, or what's "right" and what's "wrong". i mean really people, you know who you are, your opinion means nothing to me other than just that, your opinion. i'll decide weather or not i wish to entertain it with my consideration.
I know who i am. I know what's "right" and "wrong" for me. and that's all that matters really, me.
It's sounds self-absorbant, this i know, but in the end that's all i have and you people have continuously proved that to be true.

I will love who I will.

me too.

You are my hero,
Everyday with you is a blessing,
Everything you do is the best,

So, is it really bad to want to be like you,
Even if it kills me too?

don't hesitate.

hmmmm,,,

time goes by,

no.

times flies by.

i close my eyes,

time stands still.

i open my eyes,

time fast forwards.

looking to my left,

the world spins,

hmmm,,,

i have an idea now,

the world still turns,

time is of the essence,

the world never yearns.

Ms. Andee Anderson

i know her as Andee, but she goes by Ginger. anyway, a name could never fully encompass all of her complete awesomenessness. yes, i said it. when i first started to help in her class, i never expected to meet such a wonderful person. i just wanted an art class to be in so i asked her and thankfully she said yes. good thing too because that was my last hope. and now that i think about it, i don't know who i'd be if she would have said no and sent me along. she's been the amaZing person that she is ever since that first day. i look forward to her class everyday, even when i don't have it till the next day. it's like my "freedom space", i feel natural in it. she listens to most of the same music i do. her life stories sound like adventures(i love her stories). no matter what it is, i feel like i could talk to her about it. talk about an inspiration, more like a superhero. no joke here, i know for a fact that she is Flash. shhhhh! haha. when she does art, i can tell it's real, she connects, there's intensity in her silence. it's something you feel when you're around her. a sense of truth. she's done so much for me in so many ways. she has taught me a real understanding and appreciation of art, to the point where i'm at the brink of tears in awe of it (i'm such a sap). she's opened up another creative side of me. she has showed me that if you want to do something, you have to "go for it" and it doesn't matter how big the canvas is. =) she reminds me that "mistakes" are not the end of the world. she gives me hope in a way that only she knows. but above all, she shows me that true friendship, trust and loyalty still exist in this "wild world". she is truly beautiful, inside and out. i can only dream that some day i'll look back on all this and be able to do the same for someone else.

very sincerely,
moi, t

insight on my ignorant moods

These people are the reason many of us can live so comfortably and blissfully ignorant of their exsistance. Sometimes I become one of those people; walking around complaining all day and being ungreatful. I mean, it's so easy to just sit back and pick out all the bad things in the moment, but when I take a step back and some time out, i realize that things could be worse and aren't actually as bad as i make them out to be. I think if I could just stop and realize when i'm becoming ignorant and just take a breather, I would be a much happier person.

...much thanks to you...

Have you ever stoped and just thought about how you got to where you are in your life? How you became so artistically gifted or how you came to read so well? It's because of those (often times) invisible people that give time and energy from their lives to be there for you, wether you noticed and appreciated or not. Teachers, friends, loves, family members and even random strangers sometimes. It amazeses me that so much of my life is influenced by others. It's weird because I go through life thinking, "ok, so what decision am I going to make about this?" and in a way, it's already been made for me. I don't mean to say that others control me, but that they make all my decisions, or present all my situations rather, and I do know that it's my decision about how to react to my situations. But to everyone that has influenced me in my past, influences me currently and will influence my future, positively and negatively, I just want to say thanks. sincerely. why? because I love myself and the way I am, and I do realize that the world has a great deal to do with that.