thus is moi, the would have been 70's liver

You have a great taste in music and a particular love for rock. You love to chill and party with your friends, and most consider you the epitome of "cool" because of your rebellious nature and sense of adventure for life. You're trendy in style and have strong opinions about religion and politics. You are against "the man" and the injustices of the world and tend to have a guard up with people you don't know very well. But you save your deepest emotions and romantic side for that special someone.You have a lot of inner convictions and beliefs, but definitely come across as extremely easy-going and flexible. You are actually a good mixture of the two, but once in a while you let your laziness get the best of you. You're all about having a cause and having even more of a great time...sometimes TOO great of a time.

always in my mind

"Incompatible,
it don't matter though,
'cause someone's bound to hear my cry,
speak out if you do,
you're not easy to find.
Is it possible,
mr. loveable is already in my life,
right in front of me,
or maybe you're in disguise.
Who doesn't long for someone to hold,
who knows how to love you without being told?
Somebody tell me why i'm on my own,
if there's a soulmate for eveyone."

-Natasha Bedingfield

what the hell?

Romans 1:26-27 (New International Version)
26Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. 27In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.

REALLY? =/

P R i D E

pride was just amaZing _ and actually, amazing doesn't even begin to cover it.

1st off, the drive there was a BITCH! 4hrs of nothing but enna and jennifer. lol. just kidding, i love those two. But yahh, 4hrs in a veryyy hot car because jenni's Scion couldn't handle the interstate and all those frikken hills and the added pressue of AC. Ahhh, those very beautiful hills. I do have to admit that driving down those hills was fun. People on the interstate are crazies. They cannot drive; they don't use blinkers or mirrors, actually, i'm pretty sure they drive with their eyes closed and their feet pressed heavily on the gas. Once we got there though, (after stopping for directions twice because we wern't sure which church was the right one [note: there are a billion churches on church street]) we saw a bunch of protesters, which I inadvertantly renamed "the prostesters". haha. i was just like...nice. But they wern't bad they actually said "goodmorning" and "hello" and stuff as we walked past. So we got to the meeting place and saw some interesting people. I had to approach the people because enna and jen were too shy. So I introduced us to two girls named Laura, who had amaZing mohawk-like hair which she did herself, and Cj, who had dreds. I'm pretty sure they were hippies. I know, sweet right? anyway I talked to them for a while and I asked them if we could walk with them and they were like sure...Lauren then proceeded to take out a small bottle and blow bubbles. A few minutes later she was doing cartwheels. She was such a free spirit. Cj just kinda sat there in her coolness. Neither of them had shoes on. They were just dandy. Some time passed and a woman named Ginger (with glitter all over her hair) walked up and talked to Lauren about something and I ended up introducing ourselfs to her too. She invited us to walk with her in the Greenville section. We were like awesome. So Ginger and I were talking until it was time to march. Man on a Megaphone: "We stay on the streets, they stay on the grass!", and with that, we were off. Jen and enna walked behind the banner. I walked with Ginger right behind them. Probably a minute into the walk I met Ginger's friend, Tera. I asked them how long the walk was...1mile. dangg. It was soooo hot. 1mile isn't so bad when you have the support of nice, colorfull people singing "Jusus loves me". lol. As we walked I heard people shouting sayings back to the "prostesters". One saying was, "Hey hey, Ho ho, Homophobia has got to go." and then it repeats. Hmm...another one was "What do we want? Equal Rights! When do we want it? NOW!" that one wasn't so original but we said it. There was another one but I don't remember it. There wer some pretty creative signs too (on both sides of the parade). I don't remember many signs, but I know for a fact that a few people had signs that said "I'm straight, but i'm not narrow." jen made sure countless times that I knew that was her favorite sign. =) During the march we saw this cop on a bike yelling her face off at some guy who was getting too rowdy. She was cheered on by every passing person in the march as she arrested him. ahhh, yuss! I wish I could remember more of the signs, but i'll upload some pictures somehow when I get them from enna. We got some great pictures. When we reached the end, we had to hike up a mountain (not quite a mountain, but the heat increased the height of the hill) to get to the food, water and assorted rainbow merch. I got some tea and talked to Ginger for a while. Jen and enna went to scavenge for food. lol. I swear jen is always hungry. Ginger told me her and Tera were going to walk to the gas station to get some ciggarettes and junk. I said ok and that i was going to find a seat in the grass to watch the singers and speakers. We gave hugs and I said "bye, it was nice meeting you if I don't find you when you come back." It was kinda sad. But I did end up seeing her and Tera when they came back. I invited them to sit with us. A girl named Anna ended up sitting with us too...we were supposed to walk with her too but she was AWOL when it was time to go. They got some food and sat with us in the grass. We listend to a speech from a woman whos son died from gaybashing. I cried. It was so sad. The music was ok. We didn't even know what one lady was saying in her song...it sounded like "she's so pretty (or si se puede), we don't have to pay"repeated over and over for 4minutes. and yuss, i do, in fact, understand that this doesn't make sence. But that's all we could make of it. After the songs and stuff we walked around and looked at the tables. At one table they had a bunch of free lube and condoms. interesting. lol. At another one they had a bunch of pride stuff for pets, like rainbow dog collars and shirts. pretty random stuff. I said bye to Tera, Ginger and Anna. I should have asked for Ginger's number or something. damnn. =I ...too late. well...that's the story of my life, {Once upon a time, I meet a nice woman and I never see her again. the end.} So then we went home, or we atempted to. First, we ate a this really cool Drive-in Diner place. I forget the name. It's amazing how i never forget the name of a person, but ask me what I did yesterday and watch my eyes scramble and my face writhe in pain searching for a clue. After eating we made about 6,084 lefts, 935 rights and 60 illegal U-turns. We could not figure out how to get back on I26. We ended up stopping at this park to play in the water for a minute and think things out. We got back in the car made 4more lefts, 6rights, we skipped out on the illegal U-ies this time and miraculously found our way to the interstate. WE WERE OFF (and so there was 4more hrs of jen and enna)! Overall: Spartanburg rocked my sox! I'm totally going to greenville pride tho. SOOOO much closer!
WARNING: After being in a pride parade your mind set will change...you will experience unexplained happiness and a change in the color of your aura. You will walk around being polite to everyone, saying things like "hello, how are you?" or "excuse me" if you accidentally bump into someone. You will notice rainbows, EVERYWHERE! On rare occasion you may find yourself smiling for absolutely no reason at all. There is also a 1 in 3 chance you may also go into "homo vision" (having the sence that everyone around you is LGBTQ).

Life after pride is SUHWEET!

bedbug

i left my bed a total of 4 times today. what a great day.
=)

so in my dream...

i was asked what would i suggest the teachers teach next year to make BHS the best school it could be. i wrote down 5 words in the order listed below .
1. inspire.
2. create.
3. respect.
4. tolerate.
5. ?????

i feel incomplete because i forgot #5...ughhh, this would happen to me. i feel like it's the missing piece that will complete my life...
damn.

"lost with no direction, my faith is shaken"

Miley Cyrus knows what i mean.

i feel empty.
i don't know what's next.
it's weird.
it's like i lost my purpose, kinda feels like i never had one.
i sit there and stare into the nothingness ahead of me.
not knowing when i'll stop finally get up and do something.
anything.
i just sit there failed attempts at grasping an agenda.
i've lost my purpose, and with that, i've lost my hope.
i was told i'm too young for that.
i asked how can i be too young to feel something.
i got no reply.
i'm numb to it now.
all my life i've been told i'm too young.
twisted maturity.
despite my being "too young for this" the feeling is all too real.
so tell my heart i'm too young.
and tell my head to "wait up".

fate

it's a funny thing;
i was sure my life was destined to be intertwined with yours,
we'd be like romeo and juliet.
but fate,
she had other plans.

now what?

home

when you don't know where to go or who to turn to, turn back and head home to the one that loves you unconditionally.

silent pain

have you ever seen it?
that look in someone's eyes when they smile,
they appear to be fine,
but inside they're dying.
too much to hide,
not enough to explode,
stuck in the middle,
with nowhere to go.
so it just builds up,
and it drives them crazy,
being pushed to the brink,
tears make their eyes hazy.
next time you see them you'll wonder,
look for it,
when they're head is down,
when they're plainfaced and quiet.

purpose

i am Pocahontas,

i need guidance,

my compass keeps spinning.

very old soul

"When the winds of change blow, you sense the outcome ahead of others, having seen so much before. Surprises come in smaller forms to you, as in the unexpected experiences of the senses, deepening your appreciation of the physical. You want life to last so you can explore your mature understanding of existence. You have become patient with the younger souls, understanding their paths and of the challenges they face. You forgive much, often acting as mentor without pushing your beliefs upon others. You give without great expectations of receiving. Love has become the most valued concept in your universe - this life may be your quest to perfect your ability to express and receive perfect love. Thoughts of dying do not fill you with dread, as you understand death is a part of life, and life is a process of becoming... so death is a graduation, not an end. At rest, you feel at one with the universe and are grateful for your current home, Earth. Very old souls are adept at recognizing other old souls... mutual respect forms naturally between them." -facebook quizzes

Facebook knows me. It's scary how much i connect with this. it's me. and sometimes i wonder if my being young in age will cause me to be single for all of my teen and young-adult years. it's weird being stuck in a younger body when i feel so "old", for lack of a better word, well, for the purpose of my being to lazy to think of one at the moment. is there hope?

...zoom, zoom...

life is zipping by right now,
i'm finally living,
now i can't seem to find a purpose,
which direction do i go in next,
and where am i going anyway,
i can't write a poem today,
...
maybe later...
it's hard to live until the feeling's right,
and it's hard to capture when you live in the limelight.

The Queen of the Night

"I could see it every night for the rest of my life and probably still wouldn't understand it. Is the Queen of the Night a villaness or isn't she? Is she a she-demon and a witch, or is she "die sternflammende Konigin" {translation: the blazing star Queen}? The work is so fantastically confusing and contradictory that it's impossible to unravel." -Edmonde (in The Queen Of The Night)

The metaphorical dimensions in this book are absolutely astounding. It's so deep. This book is a GREAT read but it should have a disclaimer [it may be socially awkward at first]. It's only for those who can look past the surface and see a deeper meaning. The vocab is a bit demanding too. =) still, I would recommend this book to everyone who values life, but i know it can only be understood by "select few".

math class daydream

The first time we kissed,
the most breath-taking impression of softness,
lips, cheeks, back, thighs,
even with muscle your body curves, lush,
not rough or sharp.
Unlike most stories,
beginning, middle and end,
we flow,
not knowing where you end and I begin.
Your natural essence,
that inexplicable aroma,
keeps me going,
craving more.
The feel of your ribcage under my fingertips,
suhweet,
a flash of emotional connection,
followed by a blur of pure passion.
We're here, and no abyss to reach across,
save for,
the moment i look into your eyes,
like diving into the depths of a calm, cool, reflective lake.
and i wake up...everyone starring, waiting for an answer,
...uhhhh, 8?!

BAB

Blake, my love,
you make me laugh when there's nothing to even laugh about. it's like you just take oxygen and convert it into hilarious. you're blog is the perfect combination of culture, humor, personality and the beauty in truth. i don't know how you pull it off, but then again, you are the one and only Black Banana.

much ❤
T. Kozlowski

.truth.

it comes to me in a daydream,
clouds drift by,
unveiling lifetimes of memories.
the wind blows,
spirits whisper their stories flowingly,
it smells like freedom. it smells like love.
a bird flies into the bush in front of me,
she eats a small red berry, the gifts of Mother Earth,
and sings her song melodiously.
so real. so absolute.
everything just flows so harmoniously,
as I take it all in,
I conclude; I have discovered truth.
and I think to myself.
am i alone?

sometimes i wonder

hmmm...
when i see you i still get that butterfly feeling,
i'm wondering if you feel it too.
everytime i get a moment of silence and solitude,
my mind leads me back to you.
the "old times " build up inside,
but we just wern't able to make it work.
then all i want to do is hold your hand,
even if only for the friendship it's worth.
hmmm...
silently, sometimes i'd think of what "future times" might prove,
now i wonder if you feel it too.

Almost Emptyness

How can one be filled with emptyness?
I improve,
how is it that emptyness fills,
no matter how, it does.

I seemed so happy and carefree,
before i heard what you told me,
In that one instant in which you spoke,
defying logic with chaotic opposition,
my heart sank,
and drowned,
WHY?!
i screamed,
silently,
and then, with the most intense desperation,
I clung to our wonderful moments,
before the present expression of your lips,
you know, those lips that kiss cancer sticks,
my eyes welled with tears.

This is unbelieveable,
and whatnot else words that express,
me,
once an infinate happiness,
now i am told,
infinity wilt, not last forever,
decieving,
hopefilled, happy thoughts,
chicanery is your game.

We have our love,
I swear to you will last forever,
sadly though, our memories will fade,
and finally diminish,
whenever,
you go I am sure to be lost,
most macabre to imagine,
a me with you already passed,
the time between,
we must make last,
I feel as if now we must rush,
so much we haven't done.

At least I know now,
but knowledge for me be a burden,
I know not wether your words,
or none,
be better for me,
only the future can say,
while thanks to you I have confidence,
in my future,
there lay guarentee.

Everyday I desparately grasp to just say,
i love you, (so simple, and yet, so complex),
in fear that maybe soon you'll pass without my words of goodbye,
but I can't bring myself to do it,
I refuse to let you go.

True the tear you saw was only 1,
yet in spirit I cried a raging river,
as i still do,
trying to fill your "almost emptyness".

take me back to truth

waking up daily,
blah, blah, blah,

from tedious urban,
to timeless pastorial,

take me back to truth,
to nature and all the sweet simple wonders of life.

And so I say....

the world can SUCK IT!
and by it, i mean PEANESS.
the end.
=]

define edge

have you seen the edge?
the place containing an invisible line that separates me from you,
the place that determines your worth,
the place you had that the other girls just don't,
the place where you were, just one "inch" ago,
the place that borders and protects...us now,
the place where we choose to live so carelessly and free,
the place my voice went, to say how much i loved you, and run,
the place the doctors use to make the incision,
the place that it seems you've left me for, in heaven,
the place that i ended up cause i'd had enough by then,
have you seen the edge?
come closer to it.
to me.
where is the edge for you?

birthday

hmmm...
5-11-09
my birthday,
again.
so today was ok...reflecting, I feel I have done so much growing. when I was younger, (about 5yrs) I had a talk with my beautiful father about growing up. I remember looking down at my pink barbie doll skates, rolling back and forth as he was talking, thinking to myself, "yea, but...". haha. I remember thinking to myself that what he was saying, "that I would grow up and my likes/dislikes would change and I would become a different person" was true to an extent, I would grow taller, but I would always be the same me, in my mind. And in a way, I was right, but now that i'm older I see what he meant. I am the same me, in my mind, that i've always been, and I never thought i'd change, but I have in a way. I'm me amplified! haha. I think it's funny too, how i've always been relatively the same person, but people treat me differently, simply because i'm older. I remember, when I was younger, I would want to talk with the "grown-ups". They were the only ones that ever talked about anything worthwhile. I didn't want to be with people my age, all they wanted to talk about was cool new toys, blah blah and infantile subjects. I never fit in. And that's not necessarily a bad thing. I have broadened my interests in the world since then and learned more about the person i truly am. Actually, what i've learned is, i'm "weird" and I still don't "fit-it". haha. it's great though. At least now i'm in a more understanding time in my life where I can be comfortable with "just me". Life and all it's wonders never cease to amaze.

build me up

*i did not write this one*


"Build me up...
I tire of the back-biting,
sniping,
tear-everyone-down-who-does-not-agree-with-me-attitude.
what happened to respect?
listen to what I am saying...
don't just wait for me to stop talking so you can continue...
be aware that yours is not the only point of view...
there is more than one side...
each is valid...
listen...
build me up...
don't tear me down..."

-azsky13

"we're meant to die, that's what makes anything about us matter" -Aeon Flux
*****-damn good movie.

...just think about it.

~the essence of being human~

"The essence of being human is that one doesn't seek perfection, that one is sometimes willing to commit sin for the sake of loyalty, that one does not push asceticism to the point where it makes friendly intercourse impossible, and that one is prepared in the end to be defeated and broken up by life, which is the inevitable price of fastening one's love upon other human individual."



-George Orwell

"too dark"?

i'm often told, upon beholding my artwork, that it's "too dark". i think it's because I am "too dark". I never take things that claim to be pure for what they appear to be, i always feel as if something is lurking there, in the shadows. still, i find an odd comfort in darkness. the quote, "...there is no sun without shadow, and it is essential to know the night." from the myth, Sisyphus, explains it best. you see, light can not exist without darkness, think about it, how would you detirmine how light something was if you never knew darkness? Basically, i believe there must be a balance. I find comfort in darkness, because without it, there is nothingness; that's what really scares me. i feel a deep connection with all that is dark, because it's different, it "pushes the envelope". some people say black is not a color, and it is only an absence of light. but for the people that dwell in it and find trueness in black it means so much. how can you tell someone they live their lives in an "absence"? and what good is a lifetime of days that are all the same?

allowed to love

am i wrong or is my love mine?
let me elaborate. I mean to say, do i not have a right to love whoever i want to?
i thought i did, apparently, it's not so.
i don't know what makes people think they can tell me who to love and who not to, or what's "right" and what's "wrong". i mean really people, you know who you are, your opinion means nothing to me other than just that, your opinion. i'll decide weather or not i wish to entertain it with my consideration.
I know who i am. I know what's "right" and "wrong" for me. and that's all that matters really, me.
It's sounds self-absorbant, this i know, but in the end that's all i have and you people have continuously proved that to be true.

I will love who I will.

me too.

You are my hero,
Everyday with you is a blessing,
Everything you do is the best,

So, is it really bad to want to be like you,
Even if it kills me too?

don't hesitate.

hmmmm,,,

time goes by,

no.

times flies by.

i close my eyes,

time stands still.

i open my eyes,

time fast forwards.

looking to my left,

the world spins,

hmmm,,,

i have an idea now,

the world still turns,

time is of the essence,

the world never yearns.

Ms. Andee Anderson

i know her as Andee, but she goes by Ginger. anyway, a name could never fully encompass all of her complete awesomenessness. yes, i said it. when i first started to help in her class, i never expected to meet such a wonderful person. i just wanted an art class to be in so i asked her and thankfully she said yes. good thing too because that was my last hope. and now that i think about it, i don't know who i'd be if she would have said no and sent me along. she's been the amaZing person that she is ever since that first day. i look forward to her class everyday, even when i don't have it till the next day. it's like my "freedom space", i feel natural in it. she listens to most of the same music i do. her life stories sound like adventures(i love her stories). no matter what it is, i feel like i could talk to her about it. talk about an inspiration, more like a superhero. no joke here, i know for a fact that she is Flash. shhhhh! haha. when she does art, i can tell it's real, she connects, there's intensity in her silence. it's something you feel when you're around her. a sense of truth. she's done so much for me in so many ways. she has taught me a real understanding and appreciation of art, to the point where i'm at the brink of tears in awe of it (i'm such a sap). she's opened up another creative side of me. she has showed me that if you want to do something, you have to "go for it" and it doesn't matter how big the canvas is. =) she reminds me that "mistakes" are not the end of the world. she gives me hope in a way that only she knows. but above all, she shows me that true friendship, trust and loyalty still exist in this "wild world". she is truly beautiful, inside and out. i can only dream that some day i'll look back on all this and be able to do the same for someone else.

very sincerely,
moi, t

insight on my ignorant moods

These people are the reason many of us can live so comfortably and blissfully ignorant of their exsistance. Sometimes I become one of those people; walking around complaining all day and being ungreatful. I mean, it's so easy to just sit back and pick out all the bad things in the moment, but when I take a step back and some time out, i realize that things could be worse and aren't actually as bad as i make them out to be. I think if I could just stop and realize when i'm becoming ignorant and just take a breather, I would be a much happier person.

...much thanks to you...

Have you ever stoped and just thought about how you got to where you are in your life? How you became so artistically gifted or how you came to read so well? It's because of those (often times) invisible people that give time and energy from their lives to be there for you, wether you noticed and appreciated or not. Teachers, friends, loves, family members and even random strangers sometimes. It amazeses me that so much of my life is influenced by others. It's weird because I go through life thinking, "ok, so what decision am I going to make about this?" and in a way, it's already been made for me. I don't mean to say that others control me, but that they make all my decisions, or present all my situations rather, and I do know that it's my decision about how to react to my situations. But to everyone that has influenced me in my past, influences me currently and will influence my future, positively and negatively, I just want to say thanks. sincerely. why? because I love myself and the way I am, and I do realize that the world has a great deal to do with that.