always in my mind

"Incompatible,
it don't matter though,
'cause someone's bound to hear my cry,
speak out if you do,
you're not easy to find.
Is it possible,
mr. loveable is already in my life,
right in front of me,
or maybe you're in disguise.
Who doesn't long for someone to hold,
who knows how to love you without being told?
Somebody tell me why i'm on my own,
if there's a soulmate for eveyone."

-Natasha Bedingfield

what the hell?

Romans 1:26-27 (New International Version)
26Because of this, God gave them over to shameful lusts. Even their women exchanged natural relations for unnatural ones. 27In the same way the men also abandoned natural relations with women and were inflamed with lust for one another. Men committed indecent acts with other men, and received in themselves the due penalty for their perversion.

REALLY? =/

P R i D E

pride was just amaZing _ and actually, amazing doesn't even begin to cover it.

1st off, the drive there was a BITCH! 4hrs of nothing but enna and jennifer. lol. just kidding, i love those two. But yahh, 4hrs in a veryyy hot car because jenni's Scion couldn't handle the interstate and all those frikken hills and the added pressue of AC. Ahhh, those very beautiful hills. I do have to admit that driving down those hills was fun. People on the interstate are crazies. They cannot drive; they don't use blinkers or mirrors, actually, i'm pretty sure they drive with their eyes closed and their feet pressed heavily on the gas. Once we got there though, (after stopping for directions twice because we wern't sure which church was the right one [note: there are a billion churches on church street]) we saw a bunch of protesters, which I inadvertantly renamed "the prostesters". haha. i was just like...nice. But they wern't bad they actually said "goodmorning" and "hello" and stuff as we walked past. So we got to the meeting place and saw some interesting people. I had to approach the people because enna and jen were too shy. So I introduced us to two girls named Laura, who had amaZing mohawk-like hair which she did herself, and Cj, who had dreds. I'm pretty sure they were hippies. I know, sweet right? anyway I talked to them for a while and I asked them if we could walk with them and they were like sure...Lauren then proceeded to take out a small bottle and blow bubbles. A few minutes later she was doing cartwheels. She was such a free spirit. Cj just kinda sat there in her coolness. Neither of them had shoes on. They were just dandy. Some time passed and a woman named Ginger (with glitter all over her hair) walked up and talked to Lauren about something and I ended up introducing ourselfs to her too. She invited us to walk with her in the Greenville section. We were like awesome. So Ginger and I were talking until it was time to march. Man on a Megaphone: "We stay on the streets, they stay on the grass!", and with that, we were off. Jen and enna walked behind the banner. I walked with Ginger right behind them. Probably a minute into the walk I met Ginger's friend, Tera. I asked them how long the walk was...1mile. dangg. It was soooo hot. 1mile isn't so bad when you have the support of nice, colorfull people singing "Jusus loves me". lol. As we walked I heard people shouting sayings back to the "prostesters". One saying was, "Hey hey, Ho ho, Homophobia has got to go." and then it repeats. Hmm...another one was "What do we want? Equal Rights! When do we want it? NOW!" that one wasn't so original but we said it. There was another one but I don't remember it. There wer some pretty creative signs too (on both sides of the parade). I don't remember many signs, but I know for a fact that a few people had signs that said "I'm straight, but i'm not narrow." jen made sure countless times that I knew that was her favorite sign. =) During the march we saw this cop on a bike yelling her face off at some guy who was getting too rowdy. She was cheered on by every passing person in the march as she arrested him. ahhh, yuss! I wish I could remember more of the signs, but i'll upload some pictures somehow when I get them from enna. We got some great pictures. When we reached the end, we had to hike up a mountain (not quite a mountain, but the heat increased the height of the hill) to get to the food, water and assorted rainbow merch. I got some tea and talked to Ginger for a while. Jen and enna went to scavenge for food. lol. I swear jen is always hungry. Ginger told me her and Tera were going to walk to the gas station to get some ciggarettes and junk. I said ok and that i was going to find a seat in the grass to watch the singers and speakers. We gave hugs and I said "bye, it was nice meeting you if I don't find you when you come back." It was kinda sad. But I did end up seeing her and Tera when they came back. I invited them to sit with us. A girl named Anna ended up sitting with us too...we were supposed to walk with her too but she was AWOL when it was time to go. They got some food and sat with us in the grass. We listend to a speech from a woman whos son died from gaybashing. I cried. It was so sad. The music was ok. We didn't even know what one lady was saying in her song...it sounded like "she's so pretty (or si se puede), we don't have to pay"repeated over and over for 4minutes. and yuss, i do, in fact, understand that this doesn't make sence. But that's all we could make of it. After the songs and stuff we walked around and looked at the tables. At one table they had a bunch of free lube and condoms. interesting. lol. At another one they had a bunch of pride stuff for pets, like rainbow dog collars and shirts. pretty random stuff. I said bye to Tera, Ginger and Anna. I should have asked for Ginger's number or something. damnn. =I ...too late. well...that's the story of my life, {Once upon a time, I meet a nice woman and I never see her again. the end.} So then we went home, or we atempted to. First, we ate a this really cool Drive-in Diner place. I forget the name. It's amazing how i never forget the name of a person, but ask me what I did yesterday and watch my eyes scramble and my face writhe in pain searching for a clue. After eating we made about 6,084 lefts, 935 rights and 60 illegal U-turns. We could not figure out how to get back on I26. We ended up stopping at this park to play in the water for a minute and think things out. We got back in the car made 4more lefts, 6rights, we skipped out on the illegal U-ies this time and miraculously found our way to the interstate. WE WERE OFF (and so there was 4more hrs of jen and enna)! Overall: Spartanburg rocked my sox! I'm totally going to greenville pride tho. SOOOO much closer!
WARNING: After being in a pride parade your mind set will change...you will experience unexplained happiness and a change in the color of your aura. You will walk around being polite to everyone, saying things like "hello, how are you?" or "excuse me" if you accidentally bump into someone. You will notice rainbows, EVERYWHERE! On rare occasion you may find yourself smiling for absolutely no reason at all. There is also a 1 in 3 chance you may also go into "homo vision" (having the sence that everyone around you is LGBTQ).

Life after pride is SUHWEET!

bedbug

i left my bed a total of 4 times today. what a great day.
=)

so in my dream...

i was asked what would i suggest the teachers teach next year to make BHS the best school it could be. i wrote down 5 words in the order listed below .
1. inspire.
2. create.
3. respect.
4. tolerate.
5. ?????

i feel incomplete because i forgot #5...ughhh, this would happen to me. i feel like it's the missing piece that will complete my life...
damn.

"lost with no direction, my faith is shaken"

Miley Cyrus knows what i mean.

i feel empty.
i don't know what's next.
it's weird.
it's like i lost my purpose, kinda feels like i never had one.
i sit there and stare into the nothingness ahead of me.
not knowing when i'll stop finally get up and do something.
anything.
i just sit there failed attempts at grasping an agenda.
i've lost my purpose, and with that, i've lost my hope.
i was told i'm too young for that.
i asked how can i be too young to feel something.
i got no reply.
i'm numb to it now.
all my life i've been told i'm too young.
twisted maturity.
despite my being "too young for this" the feeling is all too real.
so tell my heart i'm too young.
and tell my head to "wait up".

fate

it's a funny thing;
i was sure my life was destined to be intertwined with yours,
we'd be like romeo and juliet.
but fate,
she had other plans.

now what?

home

when you don't know where to go or who to turn to, turn back and head home to the one that loves you unconditionally.

silent pain

have you ever seen it?
that look in someone's eyes when they smile,
they appear to be fine,
but inside they're dying.
too much to hide,
not enough to explode,
stuck in the middle,
with nowhere to go.
so it just builds up,
and it drives them crazy,
being pushed to the brink,
tears make their eyes hazy.
next time you see them you'll wonder,
look for it,
when they're head is down,
when they're plainfaced and quiet.

purpose

i am Pocahontas,

i need guidance,

my compass keeps spinning.

very old soul

"When the winds of change blow, you sense the outcome ahead of others, having seen so much before. Surprises come in smaller forms to you, as in the unexpected experiences of the senses, deepening your appreciation of the physical. You want life to last so you can explore your mature understanding of existence. You have become patient with the younger souls, understanding their paths and of the challenges they face. You forgive much, often acting as mentor without pushing your beliefs upon others. You give without great expectations of receiving. Love has become the most valued concept in your universe - this life may be your quest to perfect your ability to express and receive perfect love. Thoughts of dying do not fill you with dread, as you understand death is a part of life, and life is a process of becoming... so death is a graduation, not an end. At rest, you feel at one with the universe and are grateful for your current home, Earth. Very old souls are adept at recognizing other old souls... mutual respect forms naturally between them." -facebook quizzes

Facebook knows me. It's scary how much i connect with this. it's me. and sometimes i wonder if my being young in age will cause me to be single for all of my teen and young-adult years. it's weird being stuck in a younger body when i feel so "old", for lack of a better word, well, for the purpose of my being to lazy to think of one at the moment. is there hope?

...zoom, zoom...

life is zipping by right now,
i'm finally living,
now i can't seem to find a purpose,
which direction do i go in next,
and where am i going anyway,
i can't write a poem today,
...
maybe later...
it's hard to live until the feeling's right,
and it's hard to capture when you live in the limelight.

The Queen of the Night

"I could see it every night for the rest of my life and probably still wouldn't understand it. Is the Queen of the Night a villaness or isn't she? Is she a she-demon and a witch, or is she "die sternflammende Konigin" {translation: the blazing star Queen}? The work is so fantastically confusing and contradictory that it's impossible to unravel." -Edmonde (in The Queen Of The Night)

The metaphorical dimensions in this book are absolutely astounding. It's so deep. This book is a GREAT read but it should have a disclaimer [it may be socially awkward at first]. It's only for those who can look past the surface and see a deeper meaning. The vocab is a bit demanding too. =) still, I would recommend this book to everyone who values life, but i know it can only be understood by "select few".

math class daydream

The first time we kissed,
the most breath-taking impression of softness,
lips, cheeks, back, thighs,
even with muscle your body curves, lush,
not rough or sharp.
Unlike most stories,
beginning, middle and end,
we flow,
not knowing where you end and I begin.
Your natural essence,
that inexplicable aroma,
keeps me going,
craving more.
The feel of your ribcage under my fingertips,
suhweet,
a flash of emotional connection,
followed by a blur of pure passion.
We're here, and no abyss to reach across,
save for,
the moment i look into your eyes,
like diving into the depths of a calm, cool, reflective lake.
and i wake up...everyone starring, waiting for an answer,
...uhhhh, 8?!