"we're meant to die, that's what makes anything about us matter" -Aeon Flux
*****-damn good movie.

...just think about it.

~the essence of being human~

"The essence of being human is that one doesn't seek perfection, that one is sometimes willing to commit sin for the sake of loyalty, that one does not push asceticism to the point where it makes friendly intercourse impossible, and that one is prepared in the end to be defeated and broken up by life, which is the inevitable price of fastening one's love upon other human individual."



-George Orwell

"too dark"?

i'm often told, upon beholding my artwork, that it's "too dark". i think it's because I am "too dark". I never take things that claim to be pure for what they appear to be, i always feel as if something is lurking there, in the shadows. still, i find an odd comfort in darkness. the quote, "...there is no sun without shadow, and it is essential to know the night." from the myth, Sisyphus, explains it best. you see, light can not exist without darkness, think about it, how would you detirmine how light something was if you never knew darkness? Basically, i believe there must be a balance. I find comfort in darkness, because without it, there is nothingness; that's what really scares me. i feel a deep connection with all that is dark, because it's different, it "pushes the envelope". some people say black is not a color, and it is only an absence of light. but for the people that dwell in it and find trueness in black it means so much. how can you tell someone they live their lives in an "absence"? and what good is a lifetime of days that are all the same?

allowed to love

am i wrong or is my love mine?
let me elaborate. I mean to say, do i not have a right to love whoever i want to?
i thought i did, apparently, it's not so.
i don't know what makes people think they can tell me who to love and who not to, or what's "right" and what's "wrong". i mean really people, you know who you are, your opinion means nothing to me other than just that, your opinion. i'll decide weather or not i wish to entertain it with my consideration.
I know who i am. I know what's "right" and "wrong" for me. and that's all that matters really, me.
It's sounds self-absorbant, this i know, but in the end that's all i have and you people have continuously proved that to be true.

I will love who I will.

me too.

You are my hero,
Everyday with you is a blessing,
Everything you do is the best,

So, is it really bad to want to be like you,
Even if it kills me too?

don't hesitate.

hmmmm,,,

time goes by,

no.

times flies by.

i close my eyes,

time stands still.

i open my eyes,

time fast forwards.

looking to my left,

the world spins,

hmmm,,,

i have an idea now,

the world still turns,

time is of the essence,

the world never yearns.

Ms. Andee Anderson

i know her as Andee, but she goes by Ginger. anyway, a name could never fully encompass all of her complete awesomenessness. yes, i said it. when i first started to help in her class, i never expected to meet such a wonderful person. i just wanted an art class to be in so i asked her and thankfully she said yes. good thing too because that was my last hope. and now that i think about it, i don't know who i'd be if she would have said no and sent me along. she's been the amaZing person that she is ever since that first day. i look forward to her class everyday, even when i don't have it till the next day. it's like my "freedom space", i feel natural in it. she listens to most of the same music i do. her life stories sound like adventures(i love her stories). no matter what it is, i feel like i could talk to her about it. talk about an inspiration, more like a superhero. no joke here, i know for a fact that she is Flash. shhhhh! haha. when she does art, i can tell it's real, she connects, there's intensity in her silence. it's something you feel when you're around her. a sense of truth. she's done so much for me in so many ways. she has taught me a real understanding and appreciation of art, to the point where i'm at the brink of tears in awe of it (i'm such a sap). she's opened up another creative side of me. she has showed me that if you want to do something, you have to "go for it" and it doesn't matter how big the canvas is. =) she reminds me that "mistakes" are not the end of the world. she gives me hope in a way that only she knows. but above all, she shows me that true friendship, trust and loyalty still exist in this "wild world". she is truly beautiful, inside and out. i can only dream that some day i'll look back on all this and be able to do the same for someone else.

very sincerely,
moi, t

insight on my ignorant moods

These people are the reason many of us can live so comfortably and blissfully ignorant of their exsistance. Sometimes I become one of those people; walking around complaining all day and being ungreatful. I mean, it's so easy to just sit back and pick out all the bad things in the moment, but when I take a step back and some time out, i realize that things could be worse and aren't actually as bad as i make them out to be. I think if I could just stop and realize when i'm becoming ignorant and just take a breather, I would be a much happier person.

...much thanks to you...

Have you ever stoped and just thought about how you got to where you are in your life? How you became so artistically gifted or how you came to read so well? It's because of those (often times) invisible people that give time and energy from their lives to be there for you, wether you noticed and appreciated or not. Teachers, friends, loves, family members and even random strangers sometimes. It amazeses me that so much of my life is influenced by others. It's weird because I go through life thinking, "ok, so what decision am I going to make about this?" and in a way, it's already been made for me. I don't mean to say that others control me, but that they make all my decisions, or present all my situations rather, and I do know that it's my decision about how to react to my situations. But to everyone that has influenced me in my past, influences me currently and will influence my future, positively and negatively, I just want to say thanks. sincerely. why? because I love myself and the way I am, and I do realize that the world has a great deal to do with that.

Gas Station

I see you there,
It sucks to think of you,
us,
a prevalance of void here,
d****ed beauty,
An overblown sense of her own
importance
I almost wish you never lived,
forget about you.
Florid with fantasies,
it's so awful, a perfect imitation,
a liability to love, forget you.
Alone, dissapointment, grotesque thoughts,
Still...
your arms cradle them, her,
poisionous, trashy, slut,
l o n e l i n e s s.
Long-distance cries forever,
you never respond.
take everything and just go!
wait...touch me, feel me?
no.
I'm not there, no human condition.
Stop, [penitence] it cultivates.
You, forbidden, appealing, rage, unsure.
Still...
it's too much to risk. I cringe.
F*** you insane person, dissonant and querulous.
I turn away,
Taking one step into my future,
I feel your eye's stare,
it taps my shoulder,
Temptation.
I glance back,
I don't need you,
My gas tank's marked FULL.

Blur

So lately things are fadded. I wake up and go to sleep. I relive the same day five times a week. I feel so stuck. It's crazy. I've never related so much to the phrase "same s***, different day". today I woke up got ready for the day, drove to school, went to class, came home, ate, and got ready for bed. Everything is perfect before it's official, before time takes your virginity and before the sweet taste of innocence is replaced with the taste of blood and dirt when age smashes in your face. Life. It makes you who you are. It's turns me into someone i'm not. I don't like it and now i'm beginning to wonder if it's even worth it. We live the day-to-day making choices, "right" and "wrong". But what does it all add up to? Maybe it's about what we really want. It's about what we make it. What we want and choose to make it. ughh. Sometimes I see it clearly, but most of the time it's just a bblluurr.

“Every child is an artist. The problem is how to remain an artist once we have grown.”
-Pablo Picasso